


Beautiful Ceremony, Just Five Years Late

by ChiefWampus



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Minor Character Death, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing, but i mean, but they're not really too detailed i guess, i cant believe this is the first fanfic ive written in 3 years and its about bmc, it just be like that sometimes, look im really fucking tired dont be mad if i spelled the word 'angry' wrong or something, trigger warning for details of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 09:32:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17805506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiefWampus/pseuds/ChiefWampus
Summary: Suddenly Jeremy is bombarded with memories. He’s four and his mother yells at him for crying on the playground when he scrapes his knee. He’s eight and his mom asks him not to tell his dad that he saw her drinking red juice straight from the bottle. He’s ten and a half and he comes home from school to see her crying on the kitchen floor surrounded by glass. He’s thirteen and she walks out of the house with a heavy suitcase and doesn’t say goodbye.He can’t breathe.Jeremy's mom dies, and he wonders if it's possible to lose someone twice.





	Beautiful Ceremony, Just Five Years Late

**Author's Note:**

> Ok broskis, I just want to preface this by saying,  
> 1\. This is like the first fanfic I've written in like 3 years so sorry if it's shitty  
> 2\. I've just discovered BMC like, 2 or 3 years too late and this fandom is somewhat of a ghost town rn  
> 3\. The only real writing I do is half assed English essays so again if this is awful then I'm sorry lol
> 
> But other than that enjoy!

There’s a feeling in the air whenever something devastating has happened. That kind of sensation that chokes everyone in the room, and makes silence sound louder than any Brittany Spears mixtape that Michael has forced him to listen to on rides to school.

****

It’s that same feeling that hits Jeremy first when he enters his living room late in the evening coming back from his shift at 7-11. He picked up the job once he realized that: A. college is ridiculously expensive and B. even with the fuck ton of scholarships he's applying for, he needs all the cash he can get. Not that Michael was complaining. (“You get _anything_ in the store half price dude, I might cry.”)

****

Jeremy had actually been having a pretty good day if he did say so himself. He woke up on time, aced his calculus test, didn’t trip at all in the hallway, and talked with his friends about some new up in coming musical that was, according to Christine, revolutionary. (“It’s amazing Jeremy honestly! I’ll see if I can find the script somewhere but the soundtrack is just incredible.”)

****

All in all a great day. It was times like these that made the ever present squip related guilt that still lingered in his chest ache a little bit less. And if Michael’s hand happened to find his across the center console of his PT Cruiser on the ride from school…. Then that was just an added bonus.

****

But now, as Jeremy stands stock still in his living room staring at his once again pantless dad and an ashen looking Michael, he knows it was all too good to last.

****

His dad looks tired, and as soon as he sees Jeremy he looks even more so. In a slow movement, he rises from where he was seated on the couch and walks over to him. He hesitates for only a moment before enveloping his son into a tight hug.

****

Jeremy’s scared now. He knew there was something wrong from the get go but now with his dad here, looking older than Jeremy has ever seen him, and _hugging him_. He knows, with absolute certainty, what this is all about.

****

Someone has died.

****

Immediately Jeremy runs through the list of people he knows that could’ve been killed in the last 4 hours while he was working his shift at 7-11. He thinks of Rich, and Jake, and Christine, and all of his friends who he knows he saw at school today but what if something happened afterschool, and why didn’t anyone call him if it did, and _I’m so fucking glad It’s not Michael_.

****

He feels bad after thinking it because if any of his friends are dead he’ll be devastated. It’s just that Michael is Michael, his best friend, his player one, the guy that he loves and is somehow loved by back. If Michael died…. Jeremy wouldn’t know how to go on.

****

His dad is still holding him tight as he comes back to reality. He realizes with a sudden jolt, that his dad’s hands are shaking. Jeremy tries not to let that scare him too much as he finally starts to hug back.

****

After several moments his dad pulls back and places his hands on Jeremy’s shoulders, gripping them tight. Jeremy can see Michael over his dad’s shoulder now, he looks ready to hug Jeremy too, but reluctant to break up the father-son moment happening. Jeremy gives him a confused look that just causes the taller boy to grimace.

****

“Son,” Jeremy’s attention snaps back to his dad quickly, and he has to restrain himself from jerking back when he sees tears in the older man’s eyes, “I just got a call from your aunt.”

****

Jeremy frowns. Aunt Miriam? The last time he saw her was at his Bar Mitzvah and she had given him 50 bucks while he awkwardly dodged questions on whether or not he had a girlfriend yet. He didn’t really know his aunt very well, but if Aunt Miriam was dead that would definitely explain why his dad was so upset.

****

But his dad was looking at him strangely, like he knew the news he was giving would be earth shattering to Jeremy. So if it wasn’t Aunt Miriam then it must have been….

****

“Aunt Lisa?” Jeremy choked out.

****

Jeremy had only met his mother’s sister twice in his life and both times were before his mom left. If he tries hard enough, he can remember that his aunt looks just like his mom, same face and hair. He can also remember her voice when she would talk to his mom about how scrawny he looked, and how he really shouldn’t be crying so much at his age. It’s a thought that leaves his skin crawling.

****

His dad nods and pauses once more before he starts to speak again. Jeremy can feel the man’s grip on his shoulders tightening.

****

“She called me about an hour ago, I just got the news myself,” His dad’s voice breaks off and Jeremy’s heart speeds up, “I just- I called Michael, because I thought it would be better if you had some support.”

****

Jeremy looks back at Michael who’s fidgeting where he stands, unsure of what to do at the moment. But Michael doesn’t realize that just being able to _see him,_ to know that he’s there and not dead or hurt or anywhere other than here-

****

His heart won’t stop racing and he’s worried that he won’t be able to hear his dad over the sound of blood rushing through his ears, but right now Michael is here and that’s something he can count on.

****

He looks back at his dad and braces himself for the blow that’s coming, and tries hold himself together for once.

****

His dad speaks softly, like his words could cut Jeremy if they're too loud, “Son,” He tries to steel himself, “ _Jeremy_. There was- there’s been an accident. Your mother-” Jeremy can’t help the jump that comes from hearing that word, his heart won’t shut up.

****

“She was in a car accident this evening. She died before they could get her to a hospital.”

****

Suddenly Jeremy is bombarded with memories. He’s four and his mother yells at him for crying on the playground when he scrapes his knee. He’s eight and his mom asks him not to tell his dad that he saw her drinking red juice straight from the bottle. He’s ten and a half and he comes home from school to see her crying on the kitchen floor surrounded by glass. He’s thirteen and she walks out of the house with a heavy suitcase and doesn’t say goodbye.

****

He can’t breathe.

****

Words bubble up from his throat without permission, “W-was she driving?”

****

His dad just nods.

****

His hands are clammy, “Was she drunk?”

****

His dad pauses and nods once more.

****

There’s a beat of silence before Jeremy chokes because, fuck, his mom is _dead_ . He should’ve known from the start really, there’s only one person who has ever made his dad look so damn depressed and his aunt wouldn’t have called them unless it was necessary. He can’t help but think about what it must’ve looked like at the wreak; if it was bloody, or if there was glass everywhere. Did she suffer in her last moments or was she too drunk to feel most of it? Oh fuck, he can just imagine _her body-_

****

Arms are catching him before he even knows that he’s falling. He doesn’t know how Michael caught him so quickly, but the warmth he is suddenly pressed against is undoubtedly his best friend. Jeremy splutters on sobs that rip through his throat, his heart convulsing within its ribcage. He can’t stop even though it hurts but he feels a warm hand settle on his back rubbing large circles there.

****

“I know Jer, breathe buddy, _breathe_.”

****

It takes several minutes for Michaels words to take root, but when they do Jeremy finds himself sinking lower into the boy’s embrace, taking large shuddering breaths as Michael’s hand continues drawing circles on his backside.

****

They sit him down and Jeremy’s dad tells him all that he knows. Yes there will be a funeral, yes they are expected to attend, no they don’t know what date. Jeremy wants to ask more, wants to know all the gritty gorey details that he hates himself for even wanting to hear about. Wants to know about the accident itself, and those involved, and how long she clung to life before she expired, and dammit she left _for_ rehab _what the hell happened?_

****

Jeremy doesn’t ask these things though. Instead his eyes droop as his body catches up with all of the emotional turmoil it was just put it through. He leans heavily into Michael's side where the taller boy's hand has not stopped its soothing ministrations, and his other hand grips Jeremy’s own tightly. He tries not to think about how wrong it probably is that he’s falling asleep while his dad is explaining the details of his own mother’s death, but he’s too exhausted to give it anymore thought. He makes a valiant effort to stay awake for a few more seconds before he drifts off to the sound of his dad and Michael’s hushed whispering.

 

* * *

 

He wakes up to his school alarm hours later. He knows he must’ve slept for at least 10 hours since he came home at about 8 o’clock, but he still feels tired.

****

It suddenly occurs to him that he has school today. It takes him by surprise that the world is still continuing after this, that people will be waking up just like him and not have any reason to be bothered by the death of his mother. He can’t help but think of what it would be like, if _he_ was the one dead. People would still wake up, the earth would still spin, the sun would still shine; all without him. It's a terrifying thought.

****

He goes downstairs after mindlessly going through his morning routine and is greeted by the sight of his dad making breakfast of all things. His dad sends him a shaky smile as he sets a plate of eggs down in front of the seat that Jeremy places himself in. “Mornin’ son.” He says handing Jeremy a glass of water, “Thought you might want some breakfast.”

****

Jeremy takes it and sets it down without taking a sip. He’s pretty sure that his dad is just doing this to be a good father, trying to be nice to his grieving son, but for some reason the whole scene just fills him with intense anger.

****

“You don’t cook.” Jeremy bites.

****

His dad looks surprised and a little embarrassed, “You’re right I don’t really,” He pauses to think about his next words, he’s not trying to upset Jeremy even more, “I just thought that, last night was rough and I-”

****

Jeremy jumps from his chair like it set him on fire. He drags his hands through his hair and yanks as hard as he can to try to get a grip. “Why would you _say_ that?!” He shouts, “Why would you bring it up?!”

****

His dad looks tired again and Jeremy can’t fight the guilt that cuts him when he sees the older man’s face. Still, Jeremy is agitated, and no amount of guilt is stopping him from lashing out, “I don’t want to talk about her, I don’t want to _think_ about her, it isn’t fair that she can walk out on us when she feels like it, but when she dies we have to feel bad about it.” He grits.

****

His dad looks like he might start crying again and wow, that really makes him feel like shit. He has to leave now before he can mess this up any further.

****

Jeremy grabs his bag and starts to head for the door, “I feel fine so I’m going to school, I’ll be at Michael’s afterward.” He calls.

****

He leaves the house as fast as he can and doesn’t turn back to look at his dad’s crumpled face.

 

* * *

 

Jeremy enters school with a fake calmness that probably isn’t fooling anybody.

****

It’s not that he feels sad per say, it’s just it’s a trippy feeling knowing that someone is dead and others are oblivious. Not that they would care about Jeremy’s dead mom but it’s just weird to see the daily norm take place without hitch.

****

He sees Michael and the rest of their friends over by the lockers and waves as he trots over. Michael looks at him with wide eyes that hold too much shock for Jeremy to understand.

****

“Hey,” Jeremy says as he reaches the group, “What’s up?”

****

Michael opens his mouth to respond but before he can get any words out Rich claps a heavy hand on Jeremy’s shoulder and gives him a wild grin, “Hey bro!” He greets, “We were just talkin’ about you. Is that a new shirt?”

****

Jeremy looks down at his shirt with a confused frown, “Uh no? I don’t think so.”

****

Brooke takes one of his hands with a bright smile, “Well it looks great on you! Stripes are _so_ in season.” She gushes.

****

Jeremy’s face heats up “Oh t-thanks I-”

****

“Yeah and the cardigan is a nice touch dude.” Says Jake from his left.

****

“Um-”

****

“Oooooh I found the script for the play I was telling you about Jeremy!” Chimes in Christine looking ernest, “I’ll let you read it during lunch!”

****

“Oh sur-”

****

“And I talked to Madeline, who talked to Wendy Carver, who talked to Dustin Kropp, who messaged Travis Wurtz about tutoring you for algebra,” Says Jenna looking proud, “But I don’t know how reliable Travis is really, I mean he tried to help me in biology and I only got like, a D minus so-”

****

“Wow!” Michael says, finally getting a word in, “What great friends we have Jeremy, friends that care about your well being and are totally good at being subtle.” He says sending a glare at the over enthusiastic teens who are starting to look sheepish.

****

Chloe rolls her eyes and takes a step towards Jeremy. She has the perfect mask of indifference mixed with a little boredom on her face, but her eyes shine with a faint concern that cracks her façade, “Sorry for the circus Heere, try not to have a shitty day or whatever.” She huffs turning his head with her hand and placing a gentle kiss on the boy’s cheek.

****

Jeremy’s face is a deep red now, and before he can splutter out a response, Chloe walks away still poised, with Brooke and Jenna trailing after her.

****

Jake blinks and grabs Rich’s hand to drag him off as well, “Me and Rich have football uh, rehearsals. Wait. No. Shit,” He slaps a palm to his forehead, “Sorry, we gotta go. See ya guys!” He calls turning the corner with Rich at his side.

****

“I should probably go too.” Says Christine. She pauses before patting Jeremy on the cheek gently, “Have a good day Jeremy.” She says and leaves down the hallway.

****

“Huh,” Jeremy frowns turning to Michael, “That was. Really weird. Any idea what that was about?”

****

Michael ignores his question, “I didn’t know you were coming to school today.” He inches forward and grabs Jeremy’s hand lightly.

****

Jeremy shrugs, “I feel fine.” He says squeezing Michael’s hand and opening his locker, “Can’t just skip for the hell of it.”

****

“Jeremy,” Michael sighs, “You’re allowed to stay home. You had a death-” Jeremy turned to glare at him, “Fine, a traumatic event happen within your family. I really don’t think you should be here right now.”

****

Jeremy sighs and shuts his locker, “Michael I don’t,” He cut himself off with a huff, “I-I can’t be at home right now. I don’t want to think about it, or talk about her. Can’t I just, for one day, pretend like this shit isn’t happening?” He pleads, “Please?”

****

Michael looks like he wants to argue but falters at the look on Jeremy’s face. It takes a few more moments for his resolve to crack, “Ok fine. But you’re coming over to my place after school and we’re gonna talk about this.”

****

Jeremy smiles, “Alright.” He squeezes Michael’s fingers in a silent thank you before they both head off to class.

 

* * *

 

The rest of Jeremy’s day is a blur full of class lectures and half-assed essays. His friends continue to act strange, but snap back to normal whenever Michael shoots them a look that Jeremy can’t decipher.

****

The reason why they’re acting so weird suddenly dawns on Jeremy while him and Michael are making their way to the latter’s car.

****

“Hey Michael,” He says, waiting for the Filipino boy to dig his keys out of his backpack, “You didn’t tell the guys about…. What happened, did you?”

****

Michael blinks and shakes his head fast, “No way! That’s not my information to tell buddy, I just asked them to take it easy on you the next time they saw you. I figured you might be a little shook up.”

****

Jeremy nods and climbs into the car. He can feel the familiar lick of irritation at Michael’s words, the embarrassment of being treated gently at Michael’s request. But it was always a lot harder to be angry at Michael than his father, and with the fatigue of the school day setting in, Jeremy can’t bring it in himself to be too mad at his best friend.

****

Fortunately (Unfortunately) Michael doesn’t think that Jeremy is too shook up to avoid some carpool karaoke featuring the driver himself. Thus, Jeremy is subjected to the musical stylings of Michael Mell ft. Shakira.

****

“ _Don’t you see baby this is perfection?_ ” Michael sings purposefully off-key, ignoring Jeremy’s protests.

****

Jeremy laughs shoving his shoulder, “Please, I’m begging you, I’m losing brain cells at this frequency.”

****

“Then beg.” Michael says simply, turning into his driveway, “And don’t be mad at me just ‘cuz your hips lie and mine don’t.” He shakes his head in disappointment, “Jealousy doesn’t look good on you Jer.”

****

Later when they’re settled in Michael’s room, rolling a joint and turning on the game station, Jeremy revels in the familiarity of it all. The posters on Michael’s walls are the same as they’ve always been, the basement stairs they descended down still had a creaky floorboard, and Michael is the same person that Jeremy fell in love with. There are no major occurrences here, no big changes. He relaxes in his beanbag and hopes that Michael won’t want to talk about his mom for a while.

****

A while doesn’t last long.

****

They aren’t even two levels into Apocalypse of the Damned when Michael pauses the game. He turns the volume down and faces Jeremy with a serious expression that contrasts greatly with his normally happy-go-lucky demeanor.

****

Jeremy holds back the sigh that's trying to escape him and straightens up, “Hey.”

****

“Hey,” Says Michael, his serious look slowly melting into a nervous smile, “You know we have to talk right?”

****

Jeremy does sigh this time, flopping back onto his beanbag, “Man, can’t wait until we beat this boss?”

****

“Nope.” Michael says placing their controllers to the side, “Y’know if we don’t talk about it now it’s just gonna be one of those things that we avoid bringing up until it’s an uncomfortable topic.”

****

“It’s an uncomfortable topic now.” Says Jeremy.

****

“True,” Michael says undeterred, “But you really gotta talk about this dude, and I know you don’t feel comfortable talking to your dad or anyone else about it. I’m worried about you, maybe this’ll help.”

****

Jeremy glares half-heartedly, “You’re always worried about me.”

****

“You’re always doing worrying things,” Michael says, “Come on babe, talk to me.”

****

“I don’t want to!” Jeremy jumps up with a shout. He stops himself and tries to back-pedal, “Sorry, I mean, there’s nothing to talk about. Mom’s dead, and there’s nothing we can do.” He states.

****

Michael sighs and stands up as well, “You know that’s not what it’s about, and I know there’s nothing we can do, but talking out your feelings is better than the alternative. I know you think I’m nagging dude, but It’s not healthy to keep this shit bottled up,” He trails off and looks down at his hands, twisting them nervously, “I just don’t want you to do something that might hurt yourself.”

****

There was that feeling again, crawling up Jeremy’s spine and taking over his senses. Honestly _what_ was with people treating him like glass?

****

“Believe it or not,” Jeremy starts lowly, ignoring the tense way Michael now held himself, and taking a dangerous step forward, “I’m not some crybaby ok? I’m not upset, I’m not-” He cut himself off with a frustrated huff, “I’m not- not _distraught_ or anything. What’s happened is done, and I don’t want to waste any more tears on

Her!” He screams.

****

“I can’t believe she got to walk out on me and my dad like that and just-” He feels his breathing quicken, “I mean she left for rehab! I-I just don’t know what _happened-”_

****

Jeremy feels Michael’s arms surround him as he breaks down in sobs. Instantly, he feels the deja vu of the situation, and can’t help but curl even more into the safety of Michael’s warmth. All of the anger he’s been feeling, the frustration, the dull heartache, gushes out of him with every heaving sob, leaving only a strange sense of defeat. After several minutes his cries die down to shaky inhales, while Michael’s hand trails up and down the his back as he presses soft kisses in his hair.

****

“Jeremy,” Michael says softly, his steady breathing lulling Jeremy into a sense of security, “It’s ok dude. Let it out.”

****

He does. They end up talking for the rest of the night and into the early hours of the morning, about Jeremy’s guilt over wanting to know about all of the details of the accident, about how guilty he feels about blowing up on his dad, about just how _angry_ he is, and how he doesn’t want to miss his mom who’s really been gone for a lot longer than just yesterday but he still does.

****

Michael is a trooper. He makes all the right noises at Jeremy’s declarations and listens intently. His hands don’t leave Jeremy even when they move to the bed; their continuous motions soothing the boy and calming him enough to fall asleep. Before Jeremy gives in to the gentle tug of sleep he thinks of his best friend, and his father, and all of his amazingly irritating friends, and thinks that maybe everything will be ok.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the week passes by quicker than Jeremy expected it to. After he works up the nerve to tell his friends about his mom he is surprised by the amount of understanding that they seem to handle the situation with. They come over to his house to play games, bring him frozen yogurt, and roast him on his google search history. (“Dude where do you even _find_ this kind of porn!?”)

****

It makes him wonder if maybe his dad and Michael weren’t actually babying him before, and that he was just letting his anger consume him.

****

As fast as the week goes by, the weekend goes by slower. The funeral is an awkward affair, full of crying faces that Jeremy tries conjure past memories of. Despite this, he still feels proud of himself when he doesn’t flinch at his mother’s open casket, or at the many crying people giving him their condolences.

****

Days pass by, and dozens of English quizzes, 7-11 work hours, dick jokes from Rich, and half price slushies pass with them. Jeremy finds that time, unironically, heals most wounds. There are still days when he dreads getting out of his bed. Those are the days where he is the most aware of his existence, of the inevitable death that will come to him and his friends and family. He stays close to Michael on these days, and his boyfriend is all too happy to hold him safe by his side, willing Jeremy’s thoughts away with sugary snacks and off-key karaoke driving sessions.

****

He stills thinks about his mom too. The ancient memories he keeps of her get dredged up every once in a while, and he finds better ways to cope with them. He goes out with his friends, talks to his dad more, and starts replacing those bad memories with great ones.

****

He asks Michael how he’s so good at comforting people one day when they’re playing Mario Kart in the taller boy’s room. The easy feel of being around his best friend combined with the happy music of the racing game in the background make his question come out casual.

****

Michael’s answering smile is equally laid-back as he reaches for a bag of fritos, “Between you and me I’m really not dude,” He says brightly, “I just know you, and I want to see you happy even if we gotta talk about feelings and stuff.” He grins around a mouthful of chips, “And I love you. So.” He shrugs.

****

He says it so naturally, and somehow that makes Jeremy feel even better than the words themselves.

**Author's Note:**

> It took me three days to make this potato salad.


End file.
